They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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