Who wears a wallet chain?!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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