He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
