i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
