drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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