How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and she was petting her beer can
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
