Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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