her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
