I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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