i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize