You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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