So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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