Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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