Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
