just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
