woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
