where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
