nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
