is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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