he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
