I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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