My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
