wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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