Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
