I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
