why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
