She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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