Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
