i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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