I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
