Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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