Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize