I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
