just tell him i said nine months
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
