i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
