you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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