I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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