I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
