Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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