??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
