You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
