Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Drunk is not a location!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
