He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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