While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
