I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
