The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sober January is a disaster.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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