I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
