And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
