You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
