Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
