Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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