I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need water and some morals
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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