you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
