I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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