Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
