When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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