He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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