fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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