life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
