You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
