I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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